Fatherhood

 I'm getting old. I'm a dad now. Alice was born four months ago. I've been sober from pretty much everything for about a year. My headspace is a lot better. I am focusing more on my hacking skillset and finding clients for mentoring. I'm assuming one day Alice will find this blog. Hello Alice! Your father was a REALLY weird teenager. 

Life goes on. Life is still good. I'm very happy to be living with my wife. I'm still kicking it around Asia. 

Still in a good place.

Hey, it's been a while since I wrote anything here. Life is going pretty good for me. I'm half owner of a pen-testing company that's been featured in a lot of news sites. A lot of opportunities have been coming from that. I spent most of last year in Eugene, it felt like a waste. 

I didn't really accomplish much in 2019. I could have tried harder, but it was kind of nice taking it easy last year. Coronavirus is a wakeup call for me. I need to work on having more savings and not having my spending adjust to my income. Chilling in Vietnam for the last while. It's nice having friends here. 

Depression. It gets better, it got better.

As a lot of you know, I used to have pretty severe struggles with depression in high school. I had a great deal of trauma and neglect in my life growing up, but I have had a great last three years. It's a blessing to live life each day. Recently, I returned from almost a year in Asia. It's very cheap to stay there, my monthly rent ranged 150-400$ a month at the condos I was staying at. Pretty cool places, I never expected to have a water park in my back yard. :-) This year I hope to make better quality videos for my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCWVVCXr9cEXBkmACM7dZHiQ In other news, I finally hit my weight loss goal of 180 pounds. It's crazy to think that just a couple years ago I was almost 400 pounds. Anyways, my tutoring service has been going pretty steady, and I have been having some good luck offering security audits for companies. Life is pretty good. Really hope I don't fuck everything up, but there's always a very real possibility when being self employed that everything could implode.

In my 2014 post on depression, I mentioned that there was no cure for depression. Looking back, I now seriously believe my experiences with LSD a couple years later was the turning point in my life. In the coming year, I hope I can become an advocate for depressed people to try LSD. It's nonaddictive, non-toxic (google just how safe the stuff is,) and as of this year officially decriminalized in small quantities in my state of Oregon.

I think I am going to try to get better at hosting parties. See you later guys, have a bright 2018.  

Still breathing

I am about to finish a 10,000 mile quest all around America. From Seattle to Detroit to Columbus to Boston. Now I'm on the way back. It's been a pretty strange trip. I started this journey to go visit a student in Toronto. When I get to the Detroit/Canada border, they grilled me and my girlfriend hard. They wanted to see chat logs with me and him. We mainly chatted on skype and snapchat. I thought this would be perfectly fine, until she said she wanted to make sure I was not working in canada. I knew if she read our logs, she would see I was his teacher and I would be denied entry. So, I tell her that I can't find his skype account (I have 3000 contacts on skype) and she gets kind of pissy. I tell her we chat day to day via snapchat.


Here's where my I start having a panic attack. One cop comes out of the back. I've already unlocked and unencrypted my laptop to show skype logs. She grabs the laptop and tells me to sit down. She and two cops, are then scouring through my laptop. Oh Shit! I have so much incriminating shit on there if they looked at the wrong skype logs or checked my email. I have no kill switch. I'm fucked, I'm totally fucked. I sit there for 30 minutes next to my boyfriend, scarred shitless. I literally was explaining how to sell my bitcoin to bail me out of jail. Shitting bricks, nearly pissed myself


They call my name back over. There is a moment of silence. She's reading me, I'm reading her. She hands me my laptop back. I don't think she found anything. I tell her she can call my buddy. She does, and he accidentally says I'm being paid, lol... Denied entry.


At least I still have my freedom. Fuck that was close. Also fuck the police, really though

Wow, it's 2017 huh?

Wow fuck I'm almost 20 now I'm like a real adult now. I gotta find my big boy pants and figure out some long term goals to care for my woman. Surprisingly still together. Almost two years :D I might marry her.... We'll see how that goes :)

Back in June through some totally legitimate ;) methods, I won 16,000$ from bustabit. I gambled like 10$ for funsies with some friends, and had a huge flip. Craziest fucking shit in my life. Seriously. Like, I remember when I was a freshman in highschool and my mom won a ipad from the county fair and I was thinking, 'wow holy shit that used up all of our families luck.' I remember prior to that my mom said she'd won shit all her whole life. So when I won this, I was really stunned. I didn't think it was real. I thought I was going to be asked to send them some money in order to withdraw my funds, like the whole thing was a sham.

But nah, like, what the fuck I withdrew that funds to my blockchain wallet and wham, sixteen thousand dollars. Damn. I was making a solid 2 Gs a month profit from my online gigs, but I wasn't really saving much. So now I had this really large sum of bitcoin plop in my lap. Now what?

Well, first I buy something I always wanted and knew I could make hella stacks from, a private usergroup on HF. I bought my group for 5.5Gs. Defcon, the hacking convention in Las Vegas where I first met my special lady was in about a month, I blew 3Gs in Vegas with her over the course of a couple weeks. I spent 1G alone when in Vegas on dinner and drinks with my gf and omni, the owner of HF at the nicest fucking steakhouse in Vegas.

THERE IS NO BETTER CURE TO DEPRESSION THEN WINNING SIXTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.

I feel bad for the 9999 bandors's in other timelines that lost 10-16,000$ gambling but I live in the timeline where I'm a fucking winner, Donald Trump is president, and meme magic is real.

Anyways, so I had like 8 Gs left and I used that money to fly me and my GF out to go on an international adventure. We started in Hongkong and ended up spending most of the time in Bangkok. I was pretty confident that I was just going to strait live there. I mean, with my savings I could live comfy in a condo and have all bills covered and food for literally years. Though after I was there a couple months oversees. even more fucking crazy shit happened. One of my students turned out to be a big time (legal, fucking Texas.) gun seller. He invited to fly out me and my GF from Bangkok to his place in Texas, live with him rent free and split the profits on a lot of startups. Oh yeah, we're also making and selling AR-15's out of his garage. Fun shit.

Life keeps getting better.

I took a plea for the bullshit felony charge I was facing. The plea lowered it to "attempted possession" which is a misdemeanor charge. My lawyer said that if I took it to court, there is a 90% chance it would be dropped. However, that 10% means being buttfucked in jail for a few months, and a unerasable felony conviction. Going through the plea, I had to serve 5 days in county and pay court fines (1000$) My lawyer said that after a couple years I can get the charge removed from my record. I'm pretty sure I made the right choice. Jail sucked but I'm out now, I'm glad I won't have to go back. 

I'm still with Jamie, the love of my life. We have been living together for over 8 months now. The last couple months have been kind of rough for reasons I don't want to state on the record, but it seems to have passed and we're back to normal. I'm sure my legal battle put her under a lot of stress, she's been understandable more worried/upset. Now that it's all behind me, I'm hoping we can continue with our lives of sunshine & rainbows. 

I've got a couple investors lined up for when I move my online tutoring into a physical brick and mortar store. I want to spend a few more months polishing my lesson plans and practicing teaching with in person students. I'm confident I'll be able to get steady business charging 20$ an hour for in person white hat hacking lessons. I need to set up more projects for students to do on my own boxes, instead of relying on the students buying boxes and using websites which were created to test your hacking skills on. I need to set up more of that myself to look more professional. 

2016 has been a fucking stellar year so far, I hope I continue rising towards the moon. I'm doing pretty fucking well for still being 18. I'm going to try my best to update this blog with my life progress. I'm looking forward to the years to come. 

2016

2016 Rolls around and life seems on the up. I'm in a really good place. Work is good, all legal. Teaching hacking to people for 15-20$ an hour. I've been dating the love of my life for the last half a year now. I met her at the hacking convention, Defcon last summer. I'm working on expanding my legal online income. I'm planning on creating a site in order to take my hacking lessons to the general public, and in person lessons too.

I'm keeping my chin up and handling work well. There are a couple things I have finished recently that should help add to my online revenue stream. I'm hoping to once again hire new employees for simple jobs. I'm also working on a forum right now, based around vices. Pretty excited for the future.

I have finally found inner peace.

I have spent the last couple months on trying to find true happiness. I've cut off ties with people giving off negative vibes, and I have been meditating for an hour a day. I started working out for an hour a day about a month ago, and I'm starting to feel more healthy already. Overall my life has improved quite a lot. It's hard to think that just a few months ago I had purchased a gun with the intent to take my own life.

Suicide is like a giant glowing "EXIT" sign in a theater playing a movie not quite bad enough to walk out yet. There have been a few times in my life where I've stood up with the intent to walk out, but I've never quite made it all the way through the door. I'm glad for that. I can't imagine the sorrow my parents and peers would feel if I had left them.

I don't want to love the stereotypical american life, I want to do something more with my life. I am planning on joining the peace core, and devoting my life to helping the less fortunate. There is a very huge need for IT people, as most of the volunteers are older and inexperienced with technology. Over the next couple decades rural villages are going to have a huge wave of computers and electronics come over them, and there needs to be people to help manage their infrastructure.

sanity

Sanity is a very precious thing. Most of my life I've tried to be a rather sane human. I follow social most social norms, and I have a decent group of close friends. Something weird happened to me recently. I would have never expected it. I went to see a psychologist, who then diagnosed me with Aspergers. It's pretty weird to think about honestly. You never wake up and think "Oh shit, am I literally retarded?" It just sort of falls into your lap.

I don't believe that I'm autistic. I refuse to believe it.

The inevitable, stereotypical post about depression.

There's probably a million blog posts on thousands of blogs talking about depression. They start out slow, maybe give a sad story and talk about how at the end it was all turned into sunshine. Seriously, fuck that shit. Depression doesn't just 'get better' after a week of hanging out with friends. Snorting a line of coke won't magically cure you, it will just make your brain bleed enough to trick you into feeling a certain way for a little bit. There is no 'cure' for depression.

Earlier this week one of my close friends took his own life. He walked to the store, bought some rope and a ladder. No one questioned his purchase. He went home, and promptly ended his own life. He didn't write a suicide note. He didn't give closure to anyone. He had been struggling with depression for longer then I have. After a certain point you don't turn to consoling for help, you turn to a gun or a rope.

Consoling sucks. Seriously, whoever elects these people into power are batshit crazy. I'll give a little break down of what my "Therapist" did during the meeting:

50%: "Let me go run into the other room and talk to another patient."
20%: "Let me check my iphone, gotta text someone real quick"
20%: "How are you paying for this? Let me make sure you have the right amount of money."
10%: "Why don't you take more Vitamin D?"

Honestly I'm starting to think that the whole thing is a scam. No one takes depression seriously, even though it's a leading cause of death among Americans. I'm disgusted by how the system works.

I used to be a goober.

I started collecting money from online jobs about two years ago. It was a really odd shift. Prior to this I simply did everything for free. I never really thought I could monetize my skill set. Roughly this time two years ago, someone offered me 100$ for a pretty simple job. It took me about three days, (I probably should have charged 500$+ but I had no idea what to ask for back then. ) working about 8 hours a day. I think I just skipped school to work, lol.

I was really excited when I was finished. I provided the client with the information, and he asked what method I'd like to receive the money through. I only thought of two options at this point, western union and the now defunct Liberty Reserve. (I should have learned about Bitcoin earlier...)
I chose to take Western Union, since it would give me the cash IRL. I was still pretty shitty at exchanging during this time. I gave him my full name, and other info for him to send me the money. (I used to be seriously dumb.)

I toiled for three more more days trying to collect the hundred bucks. The first day, I went to two banks that had a giant sign for Western Union. They both only let you send payments, not receive. This made me a solid 8/10 mad. I mean, wtf? Seriously? You're going to advertise that you have a WU center, but don't state that you only let people send money? I didn't even have a car at this time, so they were both very long walks.

I ended up just calling a bunch of places in my town that had WU centers. I found one that let you actually receive payments. It wouldn't be open until tomorrow, so I had some time to think this over. "Oh dear god what if he carded it..." "What if it was a sting?! I'll surly be arrested!" I used to be a wimp. The next morning, even though my mind was screaming at me that this was a bad idea, I walked over to the WU center.

I grabbed the paper that let me receive payments.  I was slowly dying of fear the whole time. It was my first time collecting WU. The sketchy source of the money only made the cold shiver of fear that was running down my spine greater. After I finished filling it out, I gave it to the employee. She grabbed it, smiled, and went into another room with it. "OH SHIT, OH SHIT, I'M FUCKING DONE" Why else would she be going in the room? I stood in the front of the stand, cold with fright. I decided not to bolt, as they already had my information and could just do a controlled arrest at my school. I stuck through, I will collect this fucking hundred dollars. After about ten minutes, she came back out with 100. "Sign here please" After a quick signature, she handed me the 100$.

I bought some magic the gathering cards with it.
10/10, would do again.

I'll always miss you.

I've been online for an ungodly amount of time. I don't think I actually started meeting other players online until I was about six or seven. I remember playing this old-school game called "MillsBerry." God, I miss that game. I remember playing with a few of my other elementary school friends. Each day we would goof around and try to make enough money to buy a floating car. The thing about the game though, is that there is no in game chat system. You can't send messages to another player, either. You could only chose to send one of a few dozen pre-written post cards. They just said "Happy birthday" or "Get better!" or other pre-determined western phrases. Me and my friends never exchanged emails or anything, because hey, we'll just talk at school tomorrow. At this time I was still living with my father, whom was a raging alcoholic. He was a very evil person. I would be welcomed home from school with a beer bottle thrown at my head. My mother was so psychologically damaged that she didn't understand that she was being abused. One day she mustered up the strength to run away from him. She packed a bunch of our clothes, and abruptly picked us up from school. She instructed us to pack whatever we wanted to keep, and we left. I never got to say good bye to my school friends.

We still had one line of communication, though. Millsberry. Once we found a new place to live on the other side of the country, and regained a internet connection, I went ahead and logged into my account. I saw probably a hundred messages from my old friends. They had to chose which of a few dozen messages to send to me. Most of them just said "get well soon." I tried to reply with whatever I could to communicate. We had no way to talk. We could only say "hello" "you're cool" and other simple messages. I was never able to say my email or anything of value. We would continue to exchange these message for several years. About two years ago I came home and became filled with melancholy. The game had shut down. The servers were pulled down, and I had no way to talk to my old friends. I cried.

Hurrah, a blog.

Alright, I'm tired of using my signature on HF to post about what's going on in my life. I've decided to just use a blog. I'll eventually move this over to my own site. I'm feeling too ill to do that right now though. I guess I'll just use this as a way to reach out to my friends, customers, and random people who find this site. I'll do personal updates from what's going on with me, both online and off. Basically it'll be a blog talking about my life as an awkward teenaged hacker. I'll try and make daily updates.